Cry Me A River
by Yagami Byakuya
Summary: No use crying over spilled milk. No point crying over lost opportunities and chances. Arthur/Merlin Slash.


A/N: Hi everyone! So... I'm finally writing again after all these time. This is my first attempt at a songfic-type fiction and I'm not even sure if it's successful or not. Erm, what else? Oh yeah, this is definitely Slash and I personally think that the story line is kind of cliche but oh well. And then there's the possibility of non-canon but not completely AU either, maybe OOC (I will let you judge, I'm never good with keeping in characters) and an evil Morgana - spoiler maybe? ...Right, I'll stop this confusing long list and leave you to actually get on with the story. Hope you'll like it and do tell me what you think.

Disclaimer: _Merlin_ belongs to BBC and _Cry Me a River_... not sure really, but not to me, that's for sure.

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><p><em>Well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river<em>

_I cried a river over you_

* * *

><p>Merlin had a complicated life. A very complicated life.<p>

But he somehow felt that he was asking for it. As if it wasn't dangerous and stressful enough to be a warlock in Camelot where magic was definitely a taboo, he had to go and fall in love with someone he really shouldn't have _that_ type of feelings for.

He loved Arthur.

Prince Arthur.

Prince Arthur Pendragon who, coincidentally, was the son of King Uther Pendragon. The King who was paranoid and hated magic with every inch of his soul.

Not to mention the fact that he had never tell Arthur anything about his magic. Merlin had a hunch that Arthur won't be too happy about it. Scratch that, he was sure that Arthur would be absolutely livid, and God knows what a livid Arthur would do. Would Merlin even be alive to witness it? He truly had no idea. In his dreams he had envisaged a world where he had no secrets from Arthur, and Arthur had accepted him for who he was.

A sorcerer with magic but with no ill intention. A warlock born with magic only to protect Arthur.

But Merlin was not naïve, and he knew that this ideal dream could only be that – a dream. In the real world, he had no doubts that Arthur would see his secret as a betrayal and danger. Perhaps Arthur's views on magic would change when Uther was no longer around to influence him and there might be a chance that he would understand, but for now, Merlin knew that both Uther and Arthur would not rest until he was burned at the stake.

Escaping was not really an option. He was tired of hiding and lying anyway.

He loved Arthur and he would do anything to keep him happy, even if it meant death. It was a simple equation really, sorcerer and execution would give a happy Uther who would be proud of Arthur for obeying the laws and removing another potential threat to the country, thereby resulting in a happy Arthur who gained his father's recognition and got rid of his troublesome manservant at the same time.

It's a win-win situation really. The Pendragons would be happy and Merlin would be free from his troubles. Free from the torment of his other secret.

His love for Arthur. The love which he couldn't control.

Just like his innate magic, loving Arthur seemed to be his destiny. Merlin couldn't say when his feelings for the Prince changed from friendship to something more. It just happened and Merlin sighed in despair as silently he asked himself what he had ever done to deserve this doomed life.

He could imagine Arthur's face and what he would say when he knew Merlin's deepest secrets. It won't be pretty and Merlin wished for his own sake that he won't have to face Arthur in shame. The best thing to do is, therefore, to ignore this inappropriate feeling and be content with his life as Arthur's manservant and friend. Even in his dreams Merlin would not allow himself to imagine Arthur as anything more than a friend, for he knew that some boundaries are not meant to be crossed. Perhaps it was cowardice more than anything else. He couldn't imagine living in a dream where Arthur returned his feelings then waking up to face the reality that his love would always be unrequited.

It hurts.

And therefore Merlin learned to be content with his life, helping Gaius with the medicines, secretly honing his magical skills, tending Arthur and being there for him when he needed a friend or protecting him when he needed a guardian. He often wondered about what would happen when Arthur became King, whether he would be replaced by another servant, a more obedient and efficient one maybe? Would Arthur still want him around, and would he even be needed at all? And most importantly, would he be able to cope with Arthur getting married?

It took Merlin less than a second to realise that he would, because it meant that he would still be around Arthur, and that was good enough for him. He wanted nothing more.

Nothing more.

He only wanted to keep his friendship with Arthur and maintain the fragile bond that was slowly forming between them. That's it. He wasn't asking for anything more.

Yet even this simple wish was not to be granted.

He thought that his feelings were well hidden behind the mask of a clumsy, foolish manservant. He had forgotten how perceptive Morgana could be.

And how evil she had become.

Merlin had been shocked and scared when Morgana confronted him with his two deeply guarded secret. Shocked because she knew, and scared because she threatened to tell Arthur. She tried to strike a bargain with him – help her with her conquest and Arthur would be his when they were done, or Arthur would deal with him personally when he knew about Merlin's secrets – and Morgana would make sure that he knows.

The deal was tempting, and for a moment Merlin allowed himself to submit to the bliss of the idea that Arthur may be his and his alone. Then shame flooded through him as he realised that he had actually been thinking about Morgana's offer for his own selfish desire and lust. He had thought of betraying Camelot. Betraying Arthur whom he should be protecting.

Merlin knew that Arthur did not belong with him. He was the 'Once and Future King' destined for great things, and being Merlin's lover was not one of them. It hurts to know that Arthur would never feel the same way about him, but that's the way it was and there's nothing he could really do about it. Life's a bitch, and destiny is even more of a bitch than life. His selfishness did put up a good fight, urging Merlin to accept the offer and telling him that he deserved the good things in life as much as anyone else do, but his love and loyalty to Arthur by far outweighed his selfish desire.

He said no.

He watched silently as Morgana stormed off in a huff and he prepared himself for the worst. He dreaded Arthur's reaction, predicting a stormy confrontation, knowing that Arthur would not take the news well. Yet part of him was relieved to know that he would no longer have to carry the burden alone. Morgana would be his messenger; she would tell Arthur what he had always wanted to say but never had the courage to actually say it. Knowing Morgana, she was probably on her way to talk to Arthur straightaway.

He guessed correctly.

An hour later, guards burst into his room in Gaius's chamber and started searching, presumably for evidences for sorcery. Merlin wasn't too surprised, he knew that this would happen when he rejected Morgana's offer and was prepared for it, hiding his only book of magic spells in the furthest corner of the castle Hall of Records and lying to Gaius about a patient in the outskirt of the town who needed his help. He didn't want Gaius to get involved.

The guards, under Arthur's command, dragged Merlin to the Prince's chamber despite not finding any evidence of magic. Arthur was waiting for him, and even the guards winced at the punch which greeted Merlin. They had seen plenty of violence between the Prince and his manservant before, yet that was quite often during training and even then it was not as brutal and primal as this. This was different.

While Merlin had not expected that, he wasn't too surprised. After all, he was prepared for death. He offered Arthur a smile as he looked at him, trying to remember every detail about the man he loved so much, knowing that this would be the last time he would see him. Merlin's smile aggravated Arthur even more and he landed another punch on Merlin, screaming at him for being an idiot and an evil monster that was planning to destroy Camelot by destroying the reputation of the Prince with the inappropriate feelings.

When Arthur finally calmed down, he grabbed Merlin by the throat and asked him about his secrets. In a style almost similar to Morgana, the Prince forced Merlin to consider a deal – stop having 'revolting thoughts' about him and stop using magic forever and they could pretend that nothing had happened today, they would still be servant and master, or else…

Servant. Master. That's it. Nothing else. Not even friends.

Perhaps Arthur had never thought of Merlin as a friend to start with. Or maybe he had, but with Morgana's interference…

Merlin had been tempted to accept Arthur's terms. After all, it was what he had wanted, to stay beside Arthur and protect him, unseen, unnoticed. He had never dared to hope for anything else. The idea that Arthur would return his feelings was too… impossible. Yet when he saw the contempt and disgust in Arthur's eyes, he knew that things would never be the same again.

Besides, he was tired of escaping his feelings, his destiny. He was destined to fall in love with someone he shouldn't have feelings for, and it was his destiny to pay for this unrequited love.

The only thing Merlin remembered after shaking his head and telling Arthur that he would not ignore his love anymore was the anger and strong hatred in his beloved's eyes. Then… darkness.

When he woke up, Merlin was surprised to find himself in a dense forest with birds chirping and wind blowing gently. The sound of flowing water from the river added to the peacefulness of the forest and for a split second Merlin thought that Arthur had killed him and that this beautiful place was Heaven. Yet there was a sense of familiarity to this place, and Merlin realised that this was a forest outside Camelot which he used to travel through sometimes to either get ingredients for Gaius or to follow Arthur during his missions.

Arthur.

It seemed that instead of executing Merlin, Arthur had chosen to banish him from Camelot. Despite the fact that Arthur did not kill him, the simple thoughts that he would never see Arthur again and the person he loved so deeply now hated him so much were enough to torture and kill Merlin slowly from the inside.

As if to mock his loneliness, the birds flew towards him in pairs and Merlin couldn't help but to feel abandoned in this beautiful and almost symmetrical forest where almost everything were in pairs. Trees. Birds. Leaves. Flowers.

The only element of the forest which was not in pair was the river. The gentle, slow-flowing river.

Merlin looked at his reflection in the river and as his silent tears dropped into the river, he saw different montages, images of him and Arthur together – arguing, looking after each other, talking, keeping each other company. He almost regretted his decision of not taking up Arthur's offer but he knew that it was too late to do anything else, and even if he could go back in time, he would have done the same thing again. At least Arthur now knew his feelings towards him. The only thing Merlin truly regretted was not telling Arthur that he would love him forever and would always be there for him.

Yes, he would return to Camelot. Unnoticed. Unseen. These had been his specialty. He would continue to protect Arthur and help him to fulfil his destiny.

The images of Merlin and Arthur on the river surface changed and Merlin saw that Arthur had a new servant to replace him. He was happy to know that there would be someone else to look after his beloved, yet the fact that he was replaced this quickly hurt. Perhaps he had never been special to Arthur at all.

Merlin was just another servant to Arthur. Nothing more. Nothing less.

The images of Arthur and his new servant faded away, and the only thing Merlin could see now was his own reflection.

Merlin cried a river over Arthur as he tried to convince himself that he was not alone.

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><p><em>Now you say you're lonely<em>

_You cried the long night through_

_Well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river_

_I cried a river over you_

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><p>"Merlin."<p>

"Arthur."

"What are you doing here in the castle? If I remember correctly you were banished from Camelot. Forever."

"Well, not really. You left me in the forest without any instructions at all, I would hardly call that an exile."

"In that case, I'll clarify things now then. As the Prince of Camelot I order you to leave Camelot now and never return again."

"On what grounds? My magic? Or my love?"

"Both. They're equally disgusting and evil."

"Really, considering the fact that I just saved you from death using my magic and because of my love for…"

"Shut up!"

"Arthur… it's been three years. I miss you."

"I said shut up!"

"Do you know how hard it is?"

"What is?"

"To look at you from far. To see you in danger. It hurts."

"Are you telling me that you've been in Camelot all along?"

"I am just trying to protect you."

"You are pitiful, Merlin. Stop thinking that I can't survive without you, because I can."

"So what happened just now? You know what, forget that. I know what happened. I saw everything. You've got everything under control and I was just being a busybody and decided to steal your fame!"

"Merlin. I won't kill you now, not after… what you just did for me. But that doesn't mean that I will tolerate your actions and practices. You have ten seconds to leave before I summon the guards."

"You know I won't leave, Arthur. Kill me now if you want to. But I won't leave you. Not now, not ever."

"Damn it, Merlin! Stop pestering me!"

"I am not pestering you. I just… want to be near you, to look at you, to protect you, to serve you. That's all I ask for."

"I don't need you. Leave."

"No, Arthur, please…"

"Guards!"

"Arthur, I think the guards nearby are all dead from the ambush just now. You'll have to do it yourself. Kill me now."

"What?"

"If you hated me so much then kill me."

"I will see to it that you get your wish fulfilled, but not by my hands. I wouldn't stain my hands for a lowly being like you."

"You are scared."

"Why would I be scared of you? You are just a servant. A sorcerer. You think so highly of yourself, Merlin. You think you are a martyr. My protector. Face it, you are not."

"I'm a warlock, Arthur. Your warlock. I'm destined to protect and serve you. My power is yours to command…"

"Trying to corrupt me with your evil magic is it?"

"No. Trying to convince you of my loyalty to you."

"It's not working."

"I never really expected it to. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, there is always someone there for you."

"And that is supposed to make me feel better, knowing that the person who would be there for me is not only useless as a servant but is also a traitor and evil sorcerer!"

"I am not evil. What have I ever done to you to deserve this? Just because some magic users are evil doesn't mean that everyone else will be. I am not evil."

"You've killed people with your hands. I saw it just now with my own eyes."

"I killed. That is true. But it wasn't for my personal gain, was it? I had to do it to save you. Besides, I would like to remind your royal highness that you have done that as well."

"I… did it for a good cause."

"And so did I. I use magic only when necessary. I did all the chores manually, served you manually. The magic is only there to protect you."

"Well I don't need it."

"Maybe not now. But perhaps some day."

"In that case I would rather turn to someone else who knows magic than to you!"

"It hurts, Arthur, to know that you hate me so."

"It hurts, Merlin, when you realise that you are betrayed by your friend!"

"So I am your friend?"

"Was."

"So I am… was… more than just a servant to you? I… was… a friend?"

"The biggest mistake I've ever made in my life."

"Don't be so bitter about it, Arthur. Please. You have no idea how happy you've made me by telling me that you see… saw… me as your friend."

"Well thanks to you I will never trust anyone again. I need no friends."

"Everyone needs a friend."

"Not when your friends are traitors who go against you. I always wondered if it was part of your plan."

"What was?"

"Gwen and Lancelot."

"Of course not! How can you even think about it!"

"You're an evil sorcerer…"

"I am not evil!"

"… With powerful magic and disgusting, inappropriate feelings for me. I was in love with Gwen, you must have done something to change our relationship. It's your fault."

"I did not do anything like that! Gwen is my friend and so are you! I never hoped for anything, you know. I kept my feelings to myself because I know how wrong and twisted they are. I am happy to just be your servant and serve you till the day I die. I've sworn my allegiance to you before, and I meant every word I said. I just wanted you to be happy… even if your happiness doesn't include me."

"A touching speech indeed."

"I meant it, Arthur. I meant every word I said."

"And I'm supposed to believe you?"

"Yes."

"You wanted me to be happy?"

"Yes."

"Then get Gwen back for me."

"Arthur… Gwen doesn't belong with you. It's better for the both of you if you let go now."

"So much for wanting me to be happy."

"I wanted you to be happy, I really do! But think about this, what good is it to have Gwen back when you know that her heart is with Lancelot? Arthur, save yourself the pain and be strong like the man you are."

"You speak as if you knew me well."

"I believe I do. At least I do know for sure that you are a good man, Arthur. A good man who would bravely sacrifice himself for his friends and an honourable man who wouldn't wish ill upon others."

"Sometimes I wonder, Merlin, if you actually have a brain. I want you dead and you tell me I wouldn't wish ill upon others?"

"To be fair, I deserved it, don't I? Not that I can do anything about it. I'm born a warlock and my feelings just… changed into something more."

"Why am I even having this conversation with you?"

"Because you're still waiting for the guards to come and arrest me? Or because you needed someone to talk to?"

"You are truly an idiot, Merlin. You stayed here this long when you know that the guards are coming?"

"You're lonely and obviously need someone to talk to."

"As if that's a good enough reason."

"It is, for me anyway. I know you wouldn't believe me, but you are everything to me, Arthur. I love you."

"Don't say that!"

"I'm sorry."

"So you wouldn't help me with Gwen?"

"No."

"You just want me for yourself, isn't it?"

"No."

"Admit it. You're jealous of Gwen. You wanted me."

"Fine. I am jealous of Gwen. Every time I saw you embracing her, kissing her or just talking to her… I hoped that I could be in her place. In my sick and twisted mind I would imagine you looking at me as passionately as how you looked at her. But I know my place. I am not meant to be anything more to you than a friend and a protector. You are not mine. I am responsible for my own feelings and you need not concern yourself over it."

"I am a free man now you know. I might be interested…"

"Don't give me false hopes, Arthur. I can't take it."

"I am giving you a chance here. How about a deal? Stay with me, until I no longer want you."

"Arthur, I…"

"You know you want to."

"I…"

"I won't restrict you from using magic in my chambers when no one is there. And we can do whatever you want."

"I can't. Don't do this Arthur, please."

"Why not? It would work quite well, you can do the 'protecting Arthur' or whatever it is you do easily if you're around me and I can have someone to talk to."

"You said until you no longer want me… when will that be? Tomorrow? A week after?"

"Or possibly never. Who knows, I might want you forever."

"Are you feeling unwell? Stay here. I'll go and get Gaius."

"There's no need for that. A kiss will make it better."

"What are you doing, Arthur, don't do this!"

"Don't play hard to get with me. You know you wanted this, Merlin, I'm giving it to you. For free."

"Don't do it unless you're sure, please, Arthur, I don't want you to have any regrets."

"Merlin."

"Arthur?"

"Shut up."

…

"That… felt really good."

"I'm glad you approve. Now, Merlin, we will need to come up with a story for your return."

"Whatever you say… say what? What return? I'm not…"

"Well that's too bad, because we sealed our deal with a kiss, remember?"

"I didn't promise anything!"

"And?"

"Arthur, please."

"Please what?"

"Don't do this to me. I know you hate me. Just… do whatever you want with me and kill me now."

"Merlin. You kept saying that you meant what you said. Have you ever thought that… I might mean what I say as well?"

"You meant what you say… when you said you hated me. I know that much. Please, Arthur, I know I shouldn't have those feelings for you. I know it is wrong. Please. Just… I don't know, if you really don't want to see me again then just kill me now or I'll hide myself from you forever. Just let me leave with dignity. Don't toy with me."

"I didn't really mean it."

"It's fine. So should I leave now or do you want me dead?"

"No! I mean, I didn't really mean what I said about you being evil and… you know…"

"Actually, I don't really know what you're trying to say, Arthur."

"When Morgana told me that you are magic and you're in love with me I was furious. I can't imagine that after all these years we spent together I had never realised that you are a sorcerer and it just made me feel stupid and useless. And to be honest with you, I was never sure about my relationship with Gwen. I guess we both knew that it was never going to work, yet we kept going and we happened to have an argument that day before Morgana came in."

"So you took it all out on me."

"I did. And I'm sorry for it."

"Don't be. I can understand how you must have felt. I tried to convince myself to tell you before, but I just can't bear to lose your friendship. It's all I had and I really don't want to let it go. I don't know what would happen if I tell you. I was hoping that you would never have to choose between obeying your father and helping a friend. Though you're right, I think too highly of myself. I probably don't even mean anything to you."

"No! You meant a lot to me, Merlin. More than I care to admit. You're a friend. Maybe more than a friend. I don't know. Maybe that's why I was so angry. When Morgana told me about your feelings, I was forced to confront my own mixed feelings for you and I thought that it was wrong, considering that I was with Gwen… this sounds childish, but I'm blaming Morgana for everything. She twisted words around and manipulated me. After Morgana was defeated I thought about you again and I decided that I was being unfair to you. Your love is not a crime, but Morgana made it sound so wrong and disgusting that it made me so angry that you could have these feelings for me."

"Morgana threatened me that she would tell you everything if I won't help her to conquer Camelot."

"Why did you not tell me?"

"Would you have believed me?"

"No."

"Precisely my point. Anyway, why the sudden change in mind about this issue which disgusted and revolted you so much?"

"I was confused back then. It was quite sudden and I just didn't cope as well as we both hoped I would. I think I was being a coward. I wasn't brave enough to face your feelings and mine properly and decided to hide behind these shields. But now that I actually had the time to think about it, I realise that I need to grow up now and face the reality that I might not have disliked you as much as I thought. Scratch that, I actually like you. Though I'm not sure about love. I've been thinking about what it meant between you and me, Gwen and Lancelot ever since you left, but I don't think I've found any answer yet. Besides, I'm lonely, I need to move on from Gwen, and I'm doing you a favour in return for you saving my life."

"You don't have to do this you know."

"I want to, and besides, our terms say that you leave when I don't want you anymore. So technically, I'm in control over this relationship and you can't make me do what I don't want to do."

"Even after all these years you're still a prat."

"And you're still an idiot."

"And I still love you?"

"You should, after all no one is as charming as Prince Arthur of Camelot."

"Then the world is truly a sad place, isn't?"

"Now what is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, you dollop head."

"Come on, I'm sure it'll break many hearts to know that I am taken."

"Oh yes, I would cry a river over you."

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><p><em>Now you say you're sorry<em>

_For being so untrue_

_Well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river_

_I cried a river over you_

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><p>Good things never last.<p>

Merlin knew that.

"So, this is it then?"

"Yes, Merlin. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. You've told me this would happen early on, remember?"

_Stay with me, until I no longer want you._

Now that Gwen had left Lancelot and returned to Arthur, King Arthur no longer needed Merlin.

Not anymore.

"You are welcome to stay, of course. In the castle, I mean. Not…"

"Not in your chambers. Even I cannot be that dense, Arthur."

"Right. So… would you stay?"

"I suppose I would, unless you don't need a Court Sorcerer as well?"

Arthur definitely needed his Court Sorcerer in Camelot; with the new return of magic after Uther's death, Arthur needed Merlin's help in regulating and stopping the misuse of magic for evil.

He shook his head, glad that Merlin won't be leaving court.

Arthur was glad that Gwen had returned to him, yet a part of him was sorry to leave Merlin.

In the two years which he and Merlin had been lovers, Arthur realised that he was actually enjoying it and was not revolted at the idea of calling Merlin his "darling" and "sweetheart", and that realisation hit him hard, and thrust him into a storm and whirlpool of confusion again where he was unsure of his feelings towards Gwen and Merlin.

But for now, Arthur was just glad that he had Gwen back.

"Of course I need my Court Sorcerer. How am I supposed to deal with the magic side of Camelot if you aren't here?"

"Yes, you will be too hopeless for that."

"Merlin, shut up."

"I wasn't about to say anything else."

"In that case, go and choose a room from the castle and I can get servants to move your things over."

"Gauis's chamber is fine. I don't need any servants to move my things, I can use magic and I used to be a servant as well, remember? If there is nothing else I will take my leave now, Sire."

_Sire._

Merlin had not called him Sire for a long, long time.

It had always been Arthur.

In the distant past, Merlin used to call him Arthur in private and honorific terms in public; after Uther's death and Arthur's coronation, the new King demanded that their relationship should be revealed to the public and from then on, Arthur had always been just that – Arthur.

Not Sire, Not Your Majesty, not King, Not Your Highness – just Arthur.

Until just now.

Merlin had called him Sire again.

"Merlin?"

"Yes Sire?"

"Don't call me that. Just Arthur is fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Well, Arthur, if there's nothing else…"

"Actually, I was about to ask, what do you think about having a Queen Guinevere?"

"… I think it will be fabulous."

Arthur could see that Merlin struggled to answer, and it clenched his heart to see his lover – former lover's – forced smile.

But it was just as Merlin said, they knew this would happen someday.

Gwen was more important than anything else in Arthur's heart, and they both knew it.

And Arthur would not admit the fact that it was his fault in giving Merlin a false hope.

He knew he broke Merlin's heart again, and a part of him was genuinely sorry for it.

The more malicious part, however, told him to ignore his guilt.

It was a temporary deal.

Nothing more.

His true love was Gwen.

"Do you think the people would support this marriage?"

"I'm sure they will. Gwen had been a commoner, but you've knighted her brother, so technically she's a lady now. If they could accept me then there's no reason for them not to accept her."

"I hope so. I'm more worried about the council actually."

"What, the council which consists mainly of your friends?"

"Not the Round Table, obviously. I meant the general council, you know how they always wanted foreign alliances and things like that."

"Yes, but you're King now, remember? They can't force you to do anything. No one can."

"True."

"Arthur?"

"Yes?"

"Can we stop talking about this now?"

Arthur smacked himself in the face.

How could he be so inconsiderate enough to discuss the issue of his marriage with Merlin?

Merlin.

His former lover.

God.

Can he be any more stupid and insensitive?

Merlin smirked as Arthur smacked himself over and over again.

It still hurts to know that he was truly just a temporary replacement for Gwen, but it wasn't something new; he had known this a long time ago and had learnt to come to terms with the fact that you simply can't have everything in life (yet this didn't stop him from hoping that, maybe someday, he would be the most important person in Arthur's heart).

Arthur showing a conscience – now that is new, at least to Merlin who had received no apologies or whatsoever from the King in the past.

"Merlin, I'm sorry, I…"

"It's fine. Don't worry about it."

"I am sorry, I really am. It's just that I get excited when talking about Gwen and…"

"Arthur, you do realise that you are making it worse?"

"Well..."

"Arthur."

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

Merlin had learnt to appreciate the two short years he had with Arthur, but that didn't mean that he wanted to listen to Arthur babbling about his affection for Gwen.

It still hurt.

Because he still loves Arthur, Arthur who was still everything to him.

But he was happy for Arthur – life and joy returned to the King when Gwen showed up and asked for his forgiveness.

He was sure that Gwen, his best friend, would be happy with Arthur, his beloved.

Arthur, who had matured so much throughout the years.

Sure, he was still a prat, but he was now a more sensible, sensitive and shrewd prat – he had journeyed through different passages of hardships and challenges of love and war and emerged a better man, and Merlin was proud of him.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, shut up."

"Merlin, when will you learn that I am the King here? I give commands."

"Why do you even bother to ask when you know the answer will be never?"

"Merlin, get out."

"With pleasure."

That was a lie.

It would never be a pleasure to leave Arthur.

Once he stepped out, Merlin knew that he and Arthur would be history.

No longer lovers, only King and Sorcerer, master and servant.

Just like how it used to be – how it should have been.

"Merlin."

"What?"

"It was… just a simple deal between us. A deal which just expired. You don't have to cry over it you know. I know I would never shed tears over this."

"I am trying."

But he can't stop himself as tears slipped slowly down his face.

How he wished he could stay.

How he wished that Arthur would treat his love more seriously and not look at it as if it's something plebeian.

"Well, try harder."

"Unlike someone, I have feelings. Arthur, sometimes I wondered if you ever truly felt anything for me. Anything more than pity, really. Wait, don't answer that. I don't want to know. I seriously don't."

Merlin walked out of Arthur's chamber, closing the door behind him – it was a significant moment – things were through between him and Arthur and while Merlin willed himself to be strong, he knew he would still cry a river over his love for Arthur.

* * *

><p><em>You drove me, nearly drove me out of my head<em>

_While you never shed a tear_

_Remember, I remember all that you said_

_Told me love was too plebeian_

_Told me you were through with me_

* * *

><p>I never thought that I would be doing this.<p>

Writing a letter to the dead.

It's stupid, isn't it? So I would really appreciate it if you not tell anyone about it. Not that I expect you to do what I say. You were never good with following instructions.

But seriously, think about it, okay? I mean, we don't really want people to think that King Arthur is stupid now, would we? I still have the whole of Albion to rule and I can't do that with rumours about me going mad spreading around the country. So, for the sake of my sanity and the country, keep this quiet, will you?

I know you will, because you care about me too much to want me to be remembered as a clotpole.

You've spent the whole of your life dragging me away from the path of an arrogant bastard and guided me towards the path of greatness and success. And I believe that I've never thanked you for it, so…

Thank you, Merlin.

And I'm sorry. I really am. For everything.

For being a pig, for being the worst friend you could ever have, for not being understanding and appreciating everything you did for me, for taking advantage of your love for me, but most of all, for not realising how much I love you when we still have the chance. And while we're on that, I also believe that I've never tell you that I love you.

I love you, Merlin. I do.

It just happened that I realised my own feelings after you… died. A bit too late, but that's why I am writing this letter now.

To tell you that I love you.

I know it won't actually make any differences now, but I just want you to know that your feelings are not unrequited. I remember you asked me before if I have any feelings for you at all, and my answer is yes. I do. And I remember telling you that I wasn't sure of my feelings towards you and Gwen. Well, I am sure now. I was being an idiotic prat and managed to mix up everything. I thought I loved Gwen and saw you as a friend. It took your death and Gwen's reprimanding to make me realise the truth.

You had to pay the price for my mistake. With your life.

If you haven't been stupid enough to go after me… if I haven't been stupid enough to accept the invitation from that witch in the first place…

I know you told me that I shouldn't go, that it might be a dangerous trap. Despite the removal of the ban on magic, there are still enemies against the Pendragons. The persecution of magic under my father had been too long and bloody to be forgotten and forgiven so soon. I should have listened to your advice. But I thought it was a just a simple invitation.

It wasn't.

When the witch condemned me to death and told me that she had done so for revenge for her family who had lost their lives under my father's terrifying reign, I thought I was done for. And for a split second I wondered if she was the first one to try to enact revenge against me, or if there had been more. She had been the first one I've truly encountered directly, yet I was sure that there had been more and it made me think about how I could be so oblivious to such dangers, before I realised that you were, true to your words, always protecting me.

You said you would give your life for me. And you did. To protect me.

I wouldn't say that I'm not happy to see you when you blasted that witch with your spells, but when that blasted woman (no pun indeed) started calling you a traitor to your kind and how you've betrayed them by protecting me, it hurts to see how you struggle between the balance of protecting me and looking after your kind. When your secrets were revealed you said you lied to me because you didn't want me to choose between you and my father, it just struck me then that you were protecting me from the heartache and conflict that you yourself so often experienced.

I finally realised that you've been protecting me so long, both physically and mentally. At a great cost to yourself. It was unnerving to think about what would have happened if you were never in my life.

And to think that I always thought that you were weak and I was the one who was protecting you.

I still don't understand why you had to jump in front of me to act as a human shield and not just cast a protective spell, but Gaius said that perhaps that spell from the witch was too strong to be fended off by a shield, or maybe you were just protecting me instinctively. Instinctively. How many times had you done this, taking the wounds which were meant for me?

How many times have you bled for me, like you did on that day?

Even now I can remember the blood. Fresh, red blood which kept flowing from your body. I remember trying to stop the blood flow, but nothing I tried was effective. You were… dying, but you looked at me and smiled, as if nothing had happened, and asked me if I was alright.

Idiot.

Do you still remember what you said to me?

_I'm sorry… I love you…_

I am the one who should ask for your forgiveness.

You've given so much for me, but I've never given you anything in return. You never said anything, never complained, even during the two short years when we were together. You share your joy and happiness with me, but never your sadness and fears. I was burdening you with my own problems all the time and I never bothered to stop and think about you.

I've really been a prat to you, haven't I? And you're a fool to love me with your life.

Would you forgive me? Forgive my mistakes, my errors, my stupidity.

It's raining now.

The raindrops, they're like your tears. Always overlooked.

Well, not today. Never again. I will pay attention to the raindrops and hope that they bring a message from you to me. I've learnt to appreciate the things in life, be it nature, objects, or people. I don't want to make the same mistake again, though I doubt if I will ever love another again after you.

If it's any consolation to you, Merlin, you will be the one and only in my heart. No one else can replace you. Not now, not ever.

And that's all I wanted to tell you. It is too late for us now, but maybe next lifetime? I wonder what you'll do if you get this letter. Will you read it or will you tear it into pieces in rage I don't know, but I do know that I don't deserve your love and forgiveness and I can completely understand if you won't grant me either. Though I do hope that you'll consider my proposal for our next lifetime, because I am truly sorry and I want to give you the love and happiness you deserved so much.

Just a last question before I stop pestering you.

Merlin, will you come back to me and give me another chance if I cry a river for you?

* * *

><p><em>And now you say you love me<em>

_Just to prove that you do_

_Well you can cry me a river, cry me a river_

_I cried a river over you_

* * *

><p>AN: Wow, I'm amazed that you actually read the whole thing. You deserve a big big hug from a grateful author!


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